Anger: How to Handle It
What does your anger look like to your spouse, your children, significant other, parents or employer/peers?
Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure producing emotional agitation seeking expression.
Anger is a secondary emotion. This means that something (some other feeling) has happened to trigger this emotion
It is a strong emotion of agitation or irritation that occurs when a need or expectation not met. It energizes us to prepare us for action and sends signals to all parts of our body to help us fight or flee.
Anger is a natural emotional state and is designed to help us stay alive. Anger Is one of the most misunderstood and overused emotions. It is a reaction to an inner emotion and not a planned action. Anger is an energy and it serves a purpose by giving people the drive and determination to cope with difficult situations.
Anger is a signal:
It tells us something about ourselves, others, and the situations in which we find ourselves.
It helps us discharge tension.
If handled properly, anger can help resolve conflicts and improve relationships.
When used properly anger can be good. Understanding anger and becoming more knowledgeable about how this emotion work helps in gaining control over this powerful emotion.
Anger, like heat has many degrees and it ranges from mild, controlled irritations to hot uncontrolled explosions. The four magnitudes of anger are:
#1. Indignation – a simmering anger provoked by something appearing unjust or unworthy and is often seen as justified.
#2. Wrath – burning anger accompanied by a desire to avenge. Wrath often moves from the emotion of anger to the outward expression of anger.
#3. Fury – is fiery anger so fierce it destroys common sense. The word fury suggests a powerful force compelled to harm.
#4. Rage – a blazing anger involving loss of self-control, violence and temporary insanity.
Causes of Anger
Anger has four causes, they are:
Is the source of your anger hurt feelings from words or the actions of others?
Is the source of your anger a result of taking up an offense against the unjust actions of another person? Or is it because your rights have been neglected or denied?
Is the source of your anger a feeling of loss or fear of possible loss? (relationship, job, material possession)
Is the source of your anger frustration because your performance wasn’t accepted?
Again, Prolonged anger is very unhealthy, anger held in is also very unhealthy. Harmful anger yields the largest increases in heart rate and blood Pressure.
Harmful anger results in:
Ulcers
Colitis
A Depleted Immune System
Heart attacks
Heartening of the arteries
Strokes
High blood pressure
Heart rate changes
Reduced immune system functioning
Muscle and respiratory problems
It not only damages the body, but it damages mental health, and inter/intrapersonal relationships. As with the use of other forms of energy, such as electricity, we want to use it correctly.
When You Know Anger is A Problem for You:
At one time or another, everyone experiences needless anger. Here are five specific signals that will tell you when your anger is creating a problem for you.
When it is too frequent.
When it’s too intense.
When it lasts too long.
When it leads to aggression.
When it destroys work or personal relationships.
Has your anger ruined any important relationships? Has it affected the lives of your children? Your spouse or significant other? Anger destroys relationships and the relationships that are damaged are often your best ones. Many believe that anger is directed mostly at people we dislike. Unfortunately, we commonly make ourselves angry with people we know well. Anger destroys school and work relationships and pushes people away.
Be in control. Being able to manage your emotions on the job or at school as well as in the home is often crucial in building a successful work or school career, and having an enjoyable healthy home life.
Again, one of the most helpful things to remember about anger is that it is a secondary emotion. A primary feeling is what is felt immediately before we feel angry. We always feel something else first, even if we don’t notice it. This is defined as a trigger.
Some usual primary feelings, or triggers we might feel:
Afraid; Attacked; Offended; Disrespected; Forced; Controlled; Trapped; Interrogated; Pressured; Less Than Others; Inept; frustrated.
An important thing to remember about secondary feelings is that they do not identify the unmet emotional need. When all you can say is “I feel angry” it does nothing to help you work through it. An effective method is to identify the primary emotion and the trigger that caused your anger.
Example: Someone wants you to do something you prefer not to do. At first you feel a little pressured but not enough to get angry. When they keep pushing you, you begin to get irritated, if they continue, you get angry. What would you have done in this example?
In many cases, an effective way to avoid getting angry is simply to express your feeling before it has been elevated to the point of anger. (act rather than react)
This helps keep the brain in balance and out of the more volatile mode where it has downshifted and a physiological response begins which causes anger escalation.
Responding to and learning from anger
Anger is an intense emotion. It is evidence that we feel strongly about something. As with every emotion, it has a lesson for us. It can teach us what we value, what we need, what we lack, what we believe, and what our insecurities are. It can help us become more aware of what we feel strongly about and which emotional needs are important to us. The feelings underlying the anger reaction makes us feel vulnerable and weak. Especially if the underlying emotion is hurt feelings. Anger makes us feel, at least momentarily, strong and in control. Our responses to anger are generally learned from our families during childhood.
It is important to remember that any learned behavior can be unlearned. New skills can be learned.
Alternatives to inappropriate expressions of anger can be learned. In addition, new skills for enhancing communication and managing stress can be gained.
Example:
Instead of saying:
She never should have done that. I can’t believe how irresponsible, insensitive, and inconsiderate she is, what a cold-hearted, evil monster she is.
Consider saying this to yourself:
Wow, I am really upset by this. Why does it bother me so much? What specifically am I feeling?
What are my primary feelings? What need do I have that is not being met? What principals of mine have been violated?
From the answers to these questions, we can decide what course of action to take in view of what our goals are. Simply being aware that we have many options and that we can decide to pick the best one helps reduce the anger. It may help, for instance, to ask if we really want to frighten away the person we are angry with. As soon as we “up-shift” and begin to think about our options and their consequences, and make appropriate plans, we start to feel more in control and less threatened. We get out of the automatic stimulus-response mode and realize that we have choices.
Remember that there is a space between stimulus and response and in this space lies our power to choose the option that is in our long term best interest. Simply remembering that we have a choice helps us feel more in control.
Key facts to Remember About Anger
Be angry, but, limit its expression.
Take responsibility for your anger.
Slow your anger down.
Think through anger versus immediately acting it out
Don’t let your anger intensify.
Don’t associate with angry people.
Seek healthy resolution to issues.
Always consider the outcome of anger and how it impacts others as well as yourself. Learn healthy ways to express anger.
Conclusion
Anger provides an opportunity to heal what is hurting you and empower you to solve the problems involved. By managing and transforming anger and working with the underlying difficulties, you are creating a better life. Stop damaging your relationships and your health.
Anger can help set limits in relationships and needs to be used with respect and wisdom. When you know how to respond in a positive way you can tap into an unlimited source of personal power. Managing anger can show you how to work towards your wants without rage, aggression or controlling behaviors. If you need help to gain control over your anger, please contact us today.