Marriage: Always and Forever

Couples who stay married and happy have the same levels and types of disagreements as those who divorce. The difference stems from how they handle disagreements. The good news is that communication and conflict resolution skills can be learned.
All couples want their marriages to succeed. But what makes for a happy and lasting marriage? Is it just luck—a matter of finding the right spouse? Is each marriage unique, or do happy marriages have certain elements in common? Perhaps most important, what can spouses do to improve their chances of marital success?

Based on research and the experience of Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley, Focus on the Family has created questions that evaluate the strength of 12 essential traits of your marriage.

Here are 10 principles of success I have learned from working with and observing hundreds of couples:

1. Happiness is not the most important thing. Everyone wants to be happy, but happiness will come and go. Successful couples learn to intentionally do things that will bring happiness back when life pulls it away.
2. Couples discover the value in just showing up. When things get tough and couples don’t know what to do, they need to hang in there and be there for their spouse. Time has a way of helping couples work things out by providing opportunities to reduce stress and overcome challenges.
3. If you do what you always do, you will get the same result. Wise couples have learned that you have to approach problems differently to get different results. Often, minor changes in approach, attitude and actions make the biggest difference in marriage.
4. Your attitude does matter. Changing behavior is important, but so is changing attitudes. Bad attitudes often drive bad feelings and actions.
5. Change your mind, change your marriage. How couples think and what they believe about their spouse affects how they perceive the other. What they expect and how they treat their spouse matters greatly.
6. The grass is greenest where you water it. Successful couples have learned to resist the grass is greener myth — i.e., someone else will make me happy. They have learned to put their energy into making themselves and their marriage better.
7. You can change your marriage by changing yourself. Veteran couples have learned that trying to change their spouse is like trying to push a rope — almost impossible. Often, the only person we can change in our marriage is ourselves.
8. Love is a verb, not just a feeling. Everyday life wears away the “feel good side of marriage.” Feelings, like happiness, will fluctuate. But, real love is based on a couple’s vows of commitment: “For better or for worse” — when it feels good and when it doesn’t.
9. Marriage is often about fighting the battle between your ears. Successful couples have learned to resist holding grudges and bringing up the past. They remember that they married an imperfect person — and so did their spouse.
10. A crisis doesn’t mean the marriage is over. Crises are like storms: loud, scary and dangerous. But to get through a storm you have to keep driving. A crisis can be a new beginning. It’s out of pain that great people and marriages are produced.

What Makes A Good Marriage?

Making a good marriage takes work. During courtship and the newlywed period, a couple will often feel like their marriage will never have any problems. They assume that they will always be as passionate as they are then; that they will have a good marriage forever. However, as many married couples discover, having a good marriage does take work.

There are a variety of other typical characteristics of a good marriage. In a good marriage, husband and wife are careful to avoid temptations of infidelity. In a good marriage, couples respect one another. In a good marriage, people are willing to admit they are wrong. People forgive one another in a good marriage. In a good marriage, the partners have respect for one another’s boundaries and privacy. In a good marriage, couples are loving, avoid unnecessary criticism, and are generally polite to one another. In a good marriage, the couple recognized that they are a team, and organize their lives as such.

At the root of much of these ideas is communication. Communication is one of the most important ways to have a good marriage. This is true in all of the areas of married life. A good marriage is one in which the couple can communicate about every issue, including children, work, household management, and sex. Couples need to be able to discuss how they are feeling, both in terms of how they feel about one another but also in terms of how they are feeling about other things in life. This does not mean that the husband and wife always agree on every issue; but it does mean that each is willing to listen to the other, and to discuss their points of view. Good communication makes a good marriage.

A good marriage is also one in which the married couple spends time together. With the hectic schedule of the modern world, couples have to make time to just be alone together. This can be anything from the weekly scheduled date night to an hour or so spent together in the evening after the kids are in bed. On a regular basis, the couple in a good marriage will do something together that they enjoy.

Ultimately, a good marriage is built on a foundation of love; but the bricks-and-mortar that rest on that foundation, such as communication, respect, and spending time together, take some effort.

Good information for every husband and wife (or future married couple). 

1. If your goal is to have a satisfying marriage with longevity, make sure you are accountable for the part you play in the relationship — good or bad.

When you are in denial about your part in the relationship then you are no better than a child flinging sand at another child in a sandbox. When you take responsibility for your part in the marriage, only then will you be able to connect with your partner in a mature, intimate way. – Carin Goldstein, LMFT

2. Use character-related words that honor your spouse for such qualities as patience, helpfulness, courage, or kindness.

Create regular opportunities for fun, laughter, and positive experiences. Figure out what communicates love to each other and do that. Be observant and thoughtful with little things and even do chores that the other dislikes. Consciously doing what opens and softens your spouse’s heart will benefit you both in the long-run and keep your marriage happier. – Susanne Alexander

3. Always remember that life is long.

In the heat of the moment, what feels super-important will likely fade in importance as time goes by. Before you react by yelling, tossing insults or unkind words, remember that “This, too, shall pass”. In fact, recent studies have shown that even the most unhappiest of couples report being very happy five years later. So, don’t let one unfortunate incident, difficult argument or challenging moment destroy your lifetime of happiness. – Melanie Gorman, MA

4. Research consistently shows that touching more creates a stronger bond by releasing oxytocin.

Hold hands, rub shoulders, hug, kiss, give high-fives or even fist-bumps or bottom pats. When you give a quick hug or kiss, try to lengthen it to at least 5 or 10 seconds for more effective results! – Lori Lowe, MA

5. Learn how to agree to disagree.

No two people agree on everything, and that’s okay, but it’s important to be okay with each other’s differences. – Lee Bowers, LP, PhD

For men, it’s important to understand that women want to be listened to.

Men don’t need to solve or fix everything; listening itself is an exceptional gift. For women, it’s important to understand that men need time for themselves. By giving him space to pull away and not taking it personally, you allow him to reconnect with his desire for you and his commitment to the relationship. – Mars Venus Coaching, Life Coach

7. The biggest waste of effort in a marriage is trying to change your spouse, since the problems you have with your spouse are generally problems you have in yourself.

When you try to change your spouse, you come across as a nag and wind up sending the message that ‘who you are is not enough.’ Nobody likes getting that message, and it leads to distance and polarization. Let your spouse be who he or she is and focus on changing yourself. – Dr. Rick Kirschner, Relationship Coach

8. See problems — boredom in the bedroom, lack of conversations, resentment — as symptoms and treat those symptoms just as you would treat a chronic illness that seemingly has no cure.

Throw at it every possible remedy you’ve got, no matter how alternative or weird it seems. Chances are one or more of them will actually work and your marriage will get stronger and stronger. – Alisa Bowman, Relationship Coach

9. Next time you argue with your partner, drop the shaming, blaming, needing to be right, and really listen without interrupting.

Then communicate how you feel, using “I” statements. It’s not your partner’s job to read your mind, guess what you’re thinking, or put words into your mouth. These are huge obstacles to open, honest communication and will guarantee resentment, anger, and frustration in the relationship. – Sharon Rivkin, MA, MFT

10. In order to strengthen your marriage, learn to recognize that most arguments have shared responsibility, that both people have valid points and valid reasons for their feelings. – Kathy Morelli, LPC
11. Nothing is more important in a marriage than the relationship between husband and wife.

When other things become more important, such as careers, children, and personal pursuits, trouble sets in. Make the relationship your top priority. When you do, the marriage flourishes. – Cathy Meyer, CPC, MCC 

12. Never begin a sentence with the word ‘you’.

Instead start with the word “I” and then share your feelings instead of your thoughts. This is not as easy as it sounds because we all disguise a lot of thoughts as feelings, as in “I feel like you are avoiding me.” Genuine feelings are sad, angry, happy, lonely, frustrated, etc. … and sharing your core feelings creates better communication, and more connection and compassion. – Veronica Monet, ACS, CAM

13. Change your focus to one of learning to appreciate your partner. – Michelle Poll, CPC, MA
14. Let go of criticism and blame.

Focus on what there is to appreciate about your mate, then honestly and spontaneously express your specific appreciation to them. It’s also good to do this for yourself. – Judith Joyce, Life Coac

15. Have regular times, even if it’s just for 15 minutes, to check in on your relationship and what you appreciate about                        each other.

No talk about kids, schedules, etc. allowed. – Mary Kay Aide

16. Take time to have some fun together every day!

With today’s hectic schedules, it’s easy to find your marriage at the bottom of the priority list. Take a walk and hold hands (nature calms), couple-cook (food fight!), exercise together (tennis or dancing maybe?) or just collect a “Daily Joke” to share. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but if you make the commitment and effort to laugh together as often as possible, it can sweeten your connection and cement your relationship for life. – Melodie Tucker, CPC

17. You can change your relationship for the better by increasing the use of the following statements:

“I love you”, “I’m here for you”, “I understand”, “I’m sorry”, “Thank you”, “I really appreciate all that you do”, “It’s so nice to see you”, “That was quite an accomplishment!” – Gina Spielman

18. Compliment your spouse every day!

A compliment is a sign of acknowledgment and appreciation. Make an effort to affirm your spouse’s value in life, and in love. – Nicole Johnson, Dating and Relationship Coach

19. Create a clear vision of your shared future together.

Sit down, listen to each other and write out how you want your future as a couple to look. It’s much easier to create your best relationship together if both people’s needs are voiced, heard and supported by their partner. – Eve Agee, PhD

20. One of the most important factors in a good marriage is respect.

Respect each other, avoid verbal abuse, and keep insults to yourself. Bad words are just like squeezing toothpaste out of its tube — once it is out you can never get it back in again. – Georgia Panayi, MBA

21. You can have control or you can have connection with your partner, but you can’t have both. Pursue connection! – Lee Horton, Ph.D.
22. When your partner tells you something (about you) that is bothering him, reflect back what he is saying.

When we “mirror”, this helps us not feel as defensive and allows us the opportunity to better understand what he is trying to communicate. – Anne Crowley, Ph.D

23. You’re entitled to the occasional bad mood.

You’re not entitled to make your partner the whipping boy. – Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW

At LifeQuest we help couples to reach their goals for marriage and establish stronger relationships by helping them to get to know each other like never before; to truly understand each other and themselves better; make difficult conversations easier, and resolve conflicts creating problems in the relationship.  If you find that you may need help in working through some issues that have you and your spouse stuck, or if you and your fiancé are contemplating marriage, please give us a call to schedule a session at your convenience.